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Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up.
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise.
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued..."
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "We don't do livestock."
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she don't sit in the house, she sits around the house.
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway.
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller.
Yo momma so fat when she bungie jumps, she brings down the bridge too.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "One at a time, please!"
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo momma so fat her legs are like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train to get on her good side!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to every one.
Yo momma so fat she was in the ocean and Spain claimed her for the new world.
Yo momma so fat she goes to a restaurant, looks at the menu and says "OK!"
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!
Yo momma so fat she's got more chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat that her senior picture had to be an arial view!
Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo momma so fat every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo momma so fat when she back up she beeps.
Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo momma so fat she fell over and rocked herself asleep trying to get up.
Yo momma so fat she influences the tides.
Yo momma so fat when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo momma so fat You have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an all You-Can-Eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma so fat she went on a date with high heels on and came back with sandals!
Yo momma so fat she stepped on a talking scale and it told her to get off!
Yo momma so fat and stupid her waist size is larger than her IQ!
Yo momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development.
Yo momma so fat the last time she saw 90210 was on the scale.
Yo momma so fat I can take her to the beach and sell her for shade.
Yo momma so fat she can't tie her own shoes.
Yo momma so fat she sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo momma so fat when she wears a Malcolm X shirt, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures.
Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean.
Yo momma so fat that she would have been in ET, but when she rode the bike across the moon, she caused an eclipse.
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
Yo momma so stupid it took her half an hour to make minute rice.
Yo momma so stupid she threw a brick at the floor and missed.
Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went back and got 16 friends.
Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind.
Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.
Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gas money!
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterback is a refund!
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 6 train, she took the 3 twice.
Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo momma so stupid she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
Yo momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book.
Yo momma so stupid she has to ask for help to use hamburger helper.
Yo momma so stupid she went to Disney World and saw a sign that said "Disney World Left" so she went home.
Yo momma so stupid she asked me what kind of jeans I had on and when I said "Guess." So she said "Levi's?"
Yo momma so stupid she got fired from the M&M factory for throwing away the W's.
Yo momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24hr virus.
Yo momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.
Yo momma so stupid she thought she could see herself sleeping if she woke up fast enough.
Yo momma so stupid she called the 24 Hour Store and asked what time they closed.
Yo momma so stupid she bought a doughnut at Duncan Doughnuts and returned it because there was a whole in it.
Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals."
Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" And her father said, "Yes, let's go bury it!"
Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo momma so ugly the dog miss took her for his rear end.
Yo momma so ugly she jumped in the water and the water jumped out.
Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungie cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck.
Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillance cameras.
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo momma so ugly she made an onion cry.
Yo momma so ugly for Halloween she trick or treats on the phone!
Yo momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo momma so ugly even Rice Krispies won't talk to her!
Yo momma so ugly I heard that Your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo momma so ugly that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.
Yo momma so ugly she has to sneak up on a glass of water.
Yo momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo momma so ugly when they took her to the beautician it took 12 hours for a quote!
Yo momma so ugly she tried to take a bath the water jumped out!
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and gets arrested!
Yo momma so old I told her to act her own age, and she died.
Yo momma so old her social security number is 1!
Yo momma so old that when she was in school there was no history class
Yo momma so old her birth certificate says expired on it.
Yo momma so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince.
Yo momma so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals.
Yo momma so poor she can't afford to pay attention!
Yo momma so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers.
Yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell she says, "DING!"
Yo momma so poor she went to McDonald's and put a milkshake on lay away.
Yo momma so poor your family ate cereal with a fork to save milk.
Yo momma so poor her face is on the front of a food stamp.
Yo momma so poor she waves around a popsicle stick and calls it air conditioning.
Yo momma so poor burglars break in her house and leave money.
Yo momma so dark she went to night school and was marked absent!
Yo momma so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal.
Yo momma so dark she has to wear white gloves when she eats Tootsie Rolls, so she don't eat her fingers.
Yo momma so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
Yo momma so short she has to use a ladder to pick up a dime.
Yo momma so short she can play handball on the curb.
Yo momma so short she does back flips under the bed.
Yo momma so short she has to tilt her head to scratch her ear.
Yo momma so short she models for trophies.
Yo momma so short she pole vaults with a toothpick.
Yo momma so short when she jumps off the toilet she sprains her ankles.
Yo momma so short she has to look up to look down.
Yo momma so nasty she made Speed Stick slow down.
Yo momma so nasty she made Right Guard turn left.
Yo momma so nasty the fishery be paying her to leave.
Yo momma so nasty she has to creep up on bath water.
Yo momma so nasty she made Sure confused.
Yo momma so nasty she went swimming in our pool and now we have the dead sea.
Yo momma so cross-eyed she doesn't need a rearview mirror to drive.
Yo momma so cross-eyed when she cries, the tears roll down her back.
Yo momma so cross-eyed she can smell her eyes.
Yo momma so cross-eyed she walks where she's lookin, in a circle!
Yo momma so hairy she look like she got Buckwheat in a head lock.
Yo momma so hairy Bigfoot is taking her picture!
Yo momma so hairy she looks like a Chia Pet with an afro!
Yo momma so hairy she shaves with a weed whacker.
Yo momma so greasy she used bacon as a band-aid!
Yo momma so greasy she sweats Crisco!
Yo momma so skinny she has to wear a belt with spandex.
Yo momma so skinny she turned sideways and disappeared.
Yo momma so skinny she has to run around in the shower to get wet.
Yo momma so skinny she peeps through keyholes with both eyes.
Yo momma so bald you can see what's on her mind.
Yo momma so bald that she took a shower and got brain-washed.
Yo momma so bald when she wears a turtleneck it looks like a busted condom.
Yo momma's glasses are so thick that when she looks on a map she can see people waving.
Yo momma's glasses are so thick she can see into the future.
Yo momma's house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.
Yo momma's house so small, the doormat just says WEL.
Yo momma's house so small You have to go outside to change Your mind.
Yo momma's house is so small, I walked in the front door and fell out the back.
Yo momma's house so dirty she has to wipe her feet before she goes outside.
Yo momma's head so small she use a tea-bag as a pillow.
Yo momma's head so small that she got her ear pierced and died.
Yo momma has one leg and a bicycle.
Yo momma has one hand and a Clapper.
Yo momma has green hair and thinks she's a tree.
Yo momma has a glass eye with a fish in it.
Yo momma has a short leg and walks in circles.
Yo momma has a short arm and can't applaud.
Yo momma's teeth are so yellow traffic slows down when she smiles!
Yo momma's teeth are so yellow she spits butter!
Yo momma's breath so bad when she yawns her teeth duck.
Yo momma's lips so big, Chap Stick had to invent a spray.
Yo momma's teeth are so rotten, when she smiles they look like dice.
Yo momma's mouth so big, she speaks in surround sound.
Yo momma's hair so nappy she has to take Tylenol just to comb it.
Yo momma so clumsy she got tangled up in a cordless phone.
Yo momma so wrinkled, she has to screw her hat on.
Yo momma so lazy she thinks a two-income family is where yo daddy has two jobs.
Yo momma's twice the man You are.
Yo momma is missing a finger and can't count past 9.
Yo momma middle name is Rambo.
Yo momma in a wheelchair and says, "You ain't gonna push me around no more."
Yo momma so grouchy, the McDonalds she works in doesn't serve Happy Meals.
Yo momma is in a wheelchair screaming "I ain't standin for this!"
Yo momma so nasty, that when she pulls of her panties, it sounds like Velcro....
Yo momma reminds me of the toilet bowl. She's white, round, and smells like shit.
Yo Moma So Poor that your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.
Yo Moma So Poor they put her photo on food stamps.
Yo Moma So Poor when I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a Rat tried to steal me wallet.
Yo Moma So Poor she waves an ice lolly around and calls it Air conditioning.
Yo Moma So Poor when I told her about the last supper she thought the food stamps had run out.
Yo Moma So Poor the building society repossed her cardboard box.
Yo Moma So Poor she watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.
Yo Moma So Poor each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers
Yo Moma So Poor she can't even afford to go to the free clinic.
Yo Moma So Poor when I saw her kickin a can down the road I asked her what she was doing....'Moving' she replied.
Yo Moma So Poor I caught her trying to use food stamps in the Gobstopper machine.
Yo Moma So Poor when I rang her doorbell, SHE said 'Ding-Dong'
Yo Moma So Poor I asked her where the 'facilities were' and she replied - "Pick a corner...ANY corner..."
Yo Moma So Poor I visited her house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed - "Who's tearing down the drapes!!!!"
Yo Moma So Poor I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet, and she said "Sure thing, it's 4th tree on your right..."
Yo Moma So Poor only time she smelled Hot Food was when a rich bloke farted...
Yo Moma So Poor when I saw her wobbling down the street with 1 shoe, I hollered - "Lost a shoe?", and she said - "Nope...just found one..."
Yo Moma So Poor she hangs the Toilet paper out to dry.
Yo Moma So Poor closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding Shopping trolley....with a box on it...
Yo Moma So Poor she had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.
Yo Moma So Poor I went into her 'living room', stepped on a Fag butt and she shouted - "Oi, who turned off the heater!"
Yo Moma So Poor I once threw a stone at a garbage can, and out she popped saying - "Who knocked???"
Yo Moma So Poor I went through her front door and tripped over the back fence.
Yo Moma So Poor she does drive by shootings on the school bus View High Resolution
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aaron!
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abyssinia!
Abyssinia who?
Abyssinia behind bars one of these days!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ada!
Ada who?
Ada burger for lunch!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but I'm bald now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adam!
Adam who?
Adam if I do and adam if I don't!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adelia!
Adelia who?
Adelia the cards and we'll play snap!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adlai!
Adlai who?
Adlai a bet on that!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adolf!
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aesop!
Aesop who?
Aesop I saw a puddy cat!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agatha!
Agatha who?
Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agnes!
Agnes who?
Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tyson!
Tyson who?
Tyson of this on for size!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uganda!
Uganda who?
Uganda get away with this!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uriah!
Uriah who?
Keep Uriah on the ball!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uruguay!
Uruguay who?
You go Uruguay and I'll go mine! Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Ida.
Ida who?
Ida bought another knocker if I were you
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Bargain.
Bargain who?
Bargain up the wrong tree!
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Boo
Boo who?
Why are you crying?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
A mosquito bit me?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Andy
Andy who?
And he bit me again?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pea
Pea who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pea
Pea who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say pea?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pea
NOW DON'T START THAT AGAIN
Sorry
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Issac
Issac Who?
Issac (I sick) of Knock Knock Jokes!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Jack'n
Jack'n Who?
Jack 'n the Box! Knock!...Knock!
Who's there?
Madam
Madam who?
Open up! Madam foot is stuck in the door!
Knock!...Knock!
Who's there?
The interrupting cow.
The interrupti...
MOOOOOOOOOOOO...
Knock!.. Knock!
Who's there?
Mike Tyson.
Mike Tys...
(bite your victim in the ear)
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aaron!
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Abyssinia!
Abyssinia who?
Abyssinia behind bars one of these days!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Acid!
Acid who?
Acid down and be quiet!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ada!
Ada who?
Ada burger for lunch!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adair!
Adair who?
Adair once but I'm bald now!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adam!
Adam who?
Adam if I do and adam if I don't!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adelia!
Adelia who?
Adelia the cards and we'll play snap!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adlai!
Adlai who?
Adlai a bet on that!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Adolf!
Adolf who?
Adolf ball hit me in the mouth!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Aesop!
Aesop who?
Aesop I saw a puddy cat!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agatha!
Agatha who?
Agatha headache. Do you have an aspirin?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Agnes!
Agnes who?
Agnes & Topeka & the Santa Fe!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Tyson!
Tyson who?
Tyson of this on for size!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uganda!
Uganda who?
Uganda get away with this!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uriah!
Uriah who?
Keep Uriah on the ball!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Uruguay!
Uruguay who?
You go Uruguay and I'll go mine!
A blonde walked into a gas station and said to the manager, 'I locked my keys in my car. Do you have a coat hanger or something I can stick through the window to unlock the door?'
'Why sure,' said the manager, 'we have something that works especially well for that.'
A couple minutes later, the manager walked outside to see how the blonde was doing and he heard another voice. 'No, no! A little to the left,' said the other blonde inside the car. Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmmmmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see." So the first blonde hands her the compact. She looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy! It's me!"
What is a blonde's idea of safe sex?
Locking the car door.
There was a woman who was interested in getting a boob job, so she went to her doctor, Dr. Smith and questioned him about implants. He explained that, before you do anything too serious, there is a method that has worked for a lot of my patients. Every morning when you wake up rub your boobs and say 'Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies.' She did this faithfully for weeks and noticed one day that they actually were getting bigger, she was very impressed.
One morning she woke up, late for work and very rushed. By the time she got on the bus she realized that she forgot to go through her routine. So standing on the bus, while rubbing her boobs she says 'Scoobie doobie doobie, give me bigger boobies'. The man standing next to her says, 'You go to Dr. Smith?' 'Yes,' she said, 'how did you know?' He replies 'Hickory dickory dock!'
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his balls weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn't know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, 'We don't know what to do with this baby.'
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, "You should put him into a mental institution."
'Why?' asked the head nurse.
"Well," replied the chief surgeon, "take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts."
Q. Why is air a lot like sex?
A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
Why hasn't Osama bin Laden ever been circumcized?
Because there is just no end to that prick
A teenage boy and his grandfather go fishing one day. While fishing, the old man starts talking about how times have changed. The young man picks up on this and starts talking about the various problems and diseases going around.
Teen says, "Grandpa, they didn't have a whole lot of problems with all these diseases when you were young did they?"
Grandpa replies, "Nope." Teen says, "Well, what did you guys use for safe sex?"
Grandpa replies, "A wedding ring."
While the teacher was conducting her class, Little Johnny yells out, "Teacher, teacher, I have to take a piss." The teacher, shocked, replies "No, Johnny you may not because you did not raise your hand. And I will speak to your mother for using that word." So Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, teacher, I have to pee!" The teacher turns and says to Little Johnny, the word is 'urinate' and you may not go to the bathroom right now. Little Johnny gets up to leave the room and says, "Teacher, teacher, urinate, but if you have bigger tits you'd be a ten."
Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Ross Perot are on a ship when it is sinking. Perot orders for all women to head for the life boats. Bush says screw the women! Clinton says "Do we have time?"
Q: What did the Barbie doll say to Britney Spears?
A: Hey, you don't have a bra on!
Q: Why did Michael Jackson run to Wal-Mart?
A: Boys pants were half off.
Q: How can you tell Ronald McDonald on a nude beach?
A: He's the one with the sesame seed buns!
Three words that describe Britney Spears
My computer is like Britney Spears; cheap, white, and plastic.
Osama in the Holy Land
Why did Osama bin Laden visit Mount Sinai?
He wanted to see the burning Bush
Burying Osama
What do you call Osama bin Laden buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.
Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her tits went!
Q: What do you call a male strip club?
A: A cockpit
How do you tell if your boyfriend has a high sperm count?
If you have to chew before you swallow.
Two friends, Bob and John were discussing sex before marriage.
John: I didn't sleep with my wife before we were married, did you?
Bob: I'm not sure. Remind me -- what was your wife's maiden name?
Doctor: "Did you take the patient's temperature?"
Nurse: "No. Is it missing?"
Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little boy doing, the one who swallowed ten quarters?"
Nurse: "No change yet."
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
Once launched, they can't be recalled.
Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.
A blonde guy was sitting in a bar when he spots a very pretty young woman. He advances towards her when the bartender says to him, "Don't waste your time on that one. She's a lesbian." The blonde goes over to her anyway and says, "So which part of Lesbia are you from?"
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting.
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"
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